Real Life Hitch, version k.orean

Don’t think about today’s schedule.

This is not a waste of time.    

Think of it as a little mission trip. 

My mind tried to console me as I went up in the elevator.  On the seventh floor, I would meet a man who earns a living by setting up single people for marriage.  Oh, boy. I didn’t know what to expect, or rather, I didn’t want to think about what to expect.  At least I’m gonna get a good, long blog entry from this, I chuckled as I stepped out of the elevator. 

Elder Cho welcomed me into his small office.  A kind-looking man in his fifties, Elder Cho stood shorter than me, but he was confident, eloquent, and honest in his speech.  It didn’t take me too long to realize he was one of the most detailed and accurate persons I’ve ever met. 

“Mr. Kim, you were at USC for three and a half years, studying… industrial engineering, no?” 

I had just filled out a personal bio sheet for him, and I had left out my history at a prestigious school I dropped out of.  He must’ve remembered from the phone conversation with my dad, and that wasn’t recent, I thought. 

“Yes, your memory is excellent.” 

As he continued to review my profile, I noticed his desk was covered with dozens of other bios: names, birthdates, careers, photos.  To his side, a computer monitor displayed a spreadsheet with more names and bios.  Blown up copy of a newspaper article hung on the wall above it, praising Elder Cho and his wife’s work of helping singles meet and marry.  I sighed. Inventory!, I whined.  I’m inventory for him!  We’re his inventory, and he’s trying to sell us! 

As the sage inside my head slapped the whining fool next to him,  I nodded and agreed with everything Elder Cho said in our little small talk. I wanted to end this and get out. My plan was to escape five minutes ago. The Fool hijacked the conversation. 

“Sir, with all due respect, I’m still in college and I’m planning on graduate school.  I don’t think I’m ready to get married anytime soon.”

He didn’t flinch.  He heard it too many times.  “Let me show you something,” he said as he shifted through the bios on his desk.  The next hour would change my life.  Sort of. 

“This young lady,” as he pointed to a profile photo on the bio, “was born in 1972.  What is that, 34 years old?  She went to UCLA for undergrad, then to Stanford for a MBA. She makes about $200,000 a year. She’s pretty, isn’t she?  She’s 5’7.  Nice girl.  But she’s still single, and she doesn’t have much thought for marriage.” 

He dropped that bio and picked up another bio. 

“This young lady, a pastor’s kid like you, went to pharmacy school and became a pharmacist.  But that didn’t satisfy her, so she went back to school, went to law school and became a lawyer.  She makes a lot of money, too. 

“You see all these pink bios?  The pink ones are girls, the white ones are guys.”

My jaw dropped.  His desk was covered with pink, and I saw only tiny blotches of white.  To his right, he started flipping through what seemed like a gigantic rolodex of pink bios.  “These are all girls, they’re all single, and they’re all professionals: doctors, dentists, lawyers, engineers, professors, CPA’s, you name it.”  He turned around in his swivel chair, picked up a thick, three-inch binder, and starting going through more people.  I noticed behind him there were a whole stack of three-inch binders.  I wondered, How many does he have?  More than hundreds.  Thousands? Tens of thousands?!    

The Sage inside was too curious.  I began to pick his brain, inquiring him why were these people were single, and where he thought the source of these problems lied.  This is what I gleaned from Elder Cho this morning.

- He showed me about three dozen bios in his inventory.  They were all over 30 years old, some of the over 40.  Most of them were girls.    

- The more successful a girl is, the less likely she is to get married before 30.

- If a girl had the “goods” (appearance, multiple degrees, career, and income), she most likely has too much ego to get married, let alone finding a counterpart who matches her resume.

- The girls in his inventory all had a common path: go to a UC for undergrad, go to grad school (preferably in the East Coast),and delay marriage as much as possible or even resent it.

- He has inventory from all over California, Texas, the East Coast, Canada and Korea.

- In frustration, Elder Cho said, “Why do these Korean parents send their precious daughters to UC?  Why do they want them to succeed so much and not get married?”

- His ideal path for a girl: 1) Go to Cal State for undergrad; 2) study business, nursing, education, or engineering; 3) work, and 4) no grad school.  “Why do girls need more than that?!” he exclaimed.

- “Guys are the ones who should be going to school and making big money, not girls.”  The guys in his inventory were not as successful in academics compared to the girls.  (Me: Uh-oh.)  However, they were settled down in their careers and businesses.  (Me: Pssh, I’ll get that, no biggie.) 

- One graduate or professional degree is not enough for these young ladies.  Harvard, Yale, Columbia, Stanford, Princeton, Brown, UCLA, Berkeley, Haas, Wharton.  Law, medicine, dental, pharmacy, PhD’s.  Six figure income.  These were the norm in his inventory.  I thought I was looking at the Korean girls’ version of Fortune 500.   

- “Look at this. These are articles from the Korean papers.  These people are famous!  They’re intelligent, influential people!  But they’re fools!  They don’t want to get married!” 

- One young lady started seeing another young man, but they broke up since they couldn’t agree on where to live.

- Another young lady refused to date another young man because he didn’t buy a house yet. “Why does a bachelor need to own his house?  He’s not married yet, for crying out loud!” 

- Yet another young lady – who pulled in over $200k a year – refused to meet a young man who worked as an engineer, who “only” made $70k.

- And another young lady went on missions for a few years.  When she came back, she was well into her thirties, but still single. Now her bio sits on his desk. “Why do you have to go on missions as a single?  Why can’t you marry and go?  The mission put dent in her marriage AND her long-term mission.” 

- He had a binder of people looking to re-marry.  “This one’s wife died after a year and a half in coma.   Three kids, very sad.  He’s looking tore-marry.  Oh, this other girl, she's a fine young lady.  But her ex-husband had a gambling problem and tore up their marriage.”

- There were some success stories, which is why Elder Cho continues to make a living but also gets deep satisfaction from his work.  "This man is married now, and I see him at Costco with his wife.  He came up, shook my hand, and hugged me.  The wife was very happy to see me again, too."  "This other one will be getting married this month.  Good catch."

- Elder Cho implored, “What do you need to get married?  You need someone attractive, someone you can talk with, someone you are comfortable with.  But be reasonable.     

- “Find someone healthy, both spiritually and physically.  There are seriously troubled people out there, so you need someone spiritually, mentally and emotionally sound.  Physical health is crucial as well; you don’t want to be burdened by someone who’s sick all the time.  Of course, these are things you should strive for yourself as well.

- “Do what you want, Mr. Kim.  Go to grad school and become a professor, just as long as you keep meeting people and keep dating.  These people, especially the girls, would be all right if they would only open themselves up to dating, regardless of where they are in their careers or education paths.  

- “Be a well-rounded person.  Do you like sports, Mr. Kim?  Good, you should.  I’ve met a girl who can go over last night’s Lakers game play-by-play and how they won when Kobe only scored 8 points, and the guy who met her was totally clueless about what she just said.”      

While driving back home, picking up dry-cleaning, eating PB&J for lunch, studying at Starbucks, hanging out with a buddy, I’ve spent the whole day reflecting about this morning. I thought Elder Cho was preaching to the choir.  I mean, c’mon, I want to get married.  I want to come home to the lovely missus and a rat pack of kiddies.  I want to take my family to Disneyland, like my dad did.  Maybe not now, but the sooner the better.

But it looks like I’ve got some changing to do myself. 

It’s not just me. It’s us, all of us who are single adults.  I’m so heartbroken when I look at my generation, my people.  We are so broken.  God loves the young Korean-Americans, and He wants do so much with us, but looking at how so many of us are driven by success and independence, we forget God’s gift of marriage.  This is a very sensitive issue, and I am sure that a number of us have very legitimate reasons for delaying marriage. 

But for Christ’s sake, look at me!  I’m a 26 year old who just quit his job at LA Times to go back to school full-time and finish college this year, in hopes of getting into grad school and becoming a professor.  I’ve yet to make a dent in starting my career. All of the single people out there who are not in a coma or not a drug addict, I have the most legitimate reason of postponing marriage.  But if I need to repent, then you do, too!

But in all seriousness, let me share my logic.

Is Marriage more important than Career? 

So if Marriage is more important than Career, then Marriage is a higher priority than Career, right?

If Marriage is such a High Priority, am I giving it more attention than I give to my Career, or future Career?

Or in other words, am I giving such a High Priority as Marriage the attention, the thought, the planning, the prayer, the sacrifice, and the preparation it deserves?

Then what do I need to do?

… spend more time in the Word and prayer.
… do everything to keep myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually sound and deter myself from becoming defeated and depressed.
… keep my body in shape.
… rock and roll in all my classes but not be burdened by them.
… be a good steward of time and money.
… be a good son, a good brother, a good church teacher, a good friend.
… adventure further in dating and romance, even if I make mistakes.
… keep an active but simple leisure life.
… love our Lord Jesus Christ until I can see and hear my skin cells praising His name, waving their little hairs like white hankies.

Atta boy!

Thank you, Lord. You’re getting a knack for making me laugh and wonder.

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